you should assign a song to your age

I just found out the song for 23

Tomorrow I start what might be my last first day of school, at least for a while, I think.

I never much liked going to school — I’m sure a lot of you resonate with that feeling. The food was mostly bad, I didn’t like my teachers and/or peers. There were years I liked more than others, and then I loved every single one of my Bachelor’s.

Whether I liked or wanted to go to school, the day before starting a new school year, I was usually excited. My room was organized (drawers and everything), my bedding was changed, I showered and read a few pages of my book and journaled a bit before bed — not that I was able to get that much sleep, to be fair. Too much going on for that.

This is the first time in my academic career that I have not been excited. In fact, I had forgotten all about my classes until something dawned on me and I realized I had nothing prepared. My sheets were not getting changed because I had already done that 3 days ago, I was not showering at night but tomorrow morning and maybe the rest would stay the same. Instead of wondering what happened, I doom scrolled and once my brain was unable to form a coherent thought, I put on my headphones and went on a walk.

As I walked, I noticed I was slowly taming my anxiety… and then, Landslide by Fleetwood Mack started playing and just like that, I found the song for 23.

I am a woman who loves her rituals. I have been routinely terrible at following a routine ever since I gained consciousness of my status as a human being. But rituals and traditions are different from routines because they happen at specific times for specific reasons — and that I am good at.

More than back-to-school traditions, I have this thing where I assign a song to every year. By that I mean each calendar year has a song, of course, but every age I have ever been also has its song — and they’re not necessarily the same. The assignment can happen as early as April 29th (my birthday) and as late as April 28th, but this is something I have subconsciously been doing for a very long time.

As I walked the streets in my hometown that have seen me grow from a child to a young woman, I saw the shadow of my memories in every corner and the many versions of myself that have existed since I have been alive: I saw the young child who cried on her way to school, the teenager who wore leather jackets with everything and starved herself because she thought she was ugly, the 20-year-old girl who started seeing some guy from her town and sneaked out every night to see him like she was 16.

My sister, who used to be an angry little Labubu, turned 18 in July and is going to be starting her Bachelors in my alma mater. When I had started my time there, she was barely a teen, and I suppose this all made an impact on me. There I was, walking past the school of my early years and that guy’s house, as a 23-year-old, listening to Stevie Nicks’ voice.

And the assignment just happened.

It was so natural and so very obvious.

When I turned 23, I told two of my friends I didn’t want to turn 23. I felt that was a very grown-up age. I liked being 22 and wasn’t ready to move on. I wasn’t ready to move on to another chapter. I had been told routinely that I had a perfect life: a good job, a published writer, a student in a very prestigious Business School, with multiple friends and the perfect boyfriend. What else could I want?

It hasn’t been six months since I’ve turned 23 and I can safely say I hate being this age. I was indeed correct, the Landslide did bring me down and I don’t feel a child with my heart can rise above and handle the seasons of my life. I have never wished that a year was over so many times in a short span.

I am hopeful I can yet be surprised, as we’re not halfway yet. But the thought my life might fall apart even more is terrifying. And that’s why having a song for every age you are is important. When I was 20, I listen to The Edge of Seventeen religiously to guide my way out of the trenches and it might have been my salvation. I plan to follow this ritual with 23.

Tomorrow I’ll walk into the classroom for another semester at the program I desperately hate… but, at least, I’ll listen to this song while thinking about how much I’m sure I’ll miss these times when I’m older (doubtful) or maybe I’ll just look back and admire the way I handled the struggle.

I would love to know if this is a me-specific thing or if this is also a common practice for you too. If not — maybe reconsider.

Until then, have a lovely week!